More Waiting

Our family is no stranger to grief, especially the grief of miscarriage. But walking through this valley with my own daughter is heart wrenching. It's usually easy for me to hide from grief by holding a baby, cooking, cleaning, or basically just avoiding it. There are many needs in our busy household that could easily demand my attention. In the moment of tragedy, the busyness comes to a screeching halt. Plans change, schedules rearrange and we grieve.

No matter how hard I want to hide from the pain, the "crushing hand of God" is ever present. The pain of loss feels like my heart is physically coming out of my chest. The knowledge that the God who created the Heavens and the earth is the one who holds this precious life is the only comfort. He has held many of our babies and he holds us. There are moments when I wish I could physically feel that hold, but I always know He is the Very Present God.

I know that I cannot bring this baby back, nor would I want to since he has seen the face of God.  I rest in the fact that we will see this baby and others that have gone before. (2 Samuel 12:23)

These pictures were taken for Rachel and Adrian's pregnancy announcements. Now they are reminders of a new life that we have to wait to see.

Perspective

written on November 6, 2014

I'm waiting again on my doctor, on results of a test this time.   Three abnormal Pap smears should be dealt with. After having the same OBGYN for over twenty years, I knew what he was going to say. His nature is to jump to the worst scenario first, then slowly back down to what is more likely the out come.

So after some time and prayer, I had a small part of my cervix removed and a biopsy done. And now I'm waiting.

I don't think I have panicky nature, but these kinds of things do give me time to think about my perspective on life.

In the beginning of the school year we had to focus on school, a lot. It had to take top priority for a while. But once it got going a little more smoothly I remembered that just because we are knee deep in mud at the Battle at Passchendaele doesn't mean that's the most important thing to be learning.

We are learning to keep an above the sun perspective. Studying Ecclesiastes, along with unfavorable doctors visits, along with hardships in life for those I love has made me ask hard questions. Am I focusing too much energy on vain pursuits? Am I more concerned with my neighbors' souls than with pulling weeds? Do my children know Scripture as well as they know Taylor Swift? Does my husband receive my care as much as my children and the church? Do I work harder on the extra inches around my waist than on my heart for God?

Laying in the bed with my two year old's arms squeezed tight around my neck, I had to face hard answers. She squeezed with all of her might and said, "I just want to keep you here forever and ever." That's a sweet picture, and one I'll always cherish, but it's not possible. One day I will die, hopefully not anytime soon, but it will happen. Has my life made on impact on her, or anyone else for that matter, for eternity?

completed on November 10, 2014
The tests came back and I am all clear. The tests showed the early stage of cancer but it was not invasive and the doctor was sure that he got all of it. Little more needs to be done now.

I am not a contemplative person or one who is a big worrier so I am glad though for this glimpse of my own life, it's brevity and it's impact. God is kind to give us gentle reminders sometimes.

Happy Birthday While You're Joyfully Waiting

On Monday night Rachel was admitted to the hospital for high blood pressure, but was allowed to go home on strict orders of bed rest. The doctors have been concerned and want to induce labor very soon. We are all very excited to meet the newest baby girl that God has blessed us with. Today is Adrian's birthday, so we would all be thrilled that he would get to share his birthday with his firstborn.

Prom

Sarah with the man who gladly holds her heart until her husband comes along.

It's common knowledge that our girls don't typically "date". In the past there have been a few functions that they attended in controlled and chaperoned situations. Sarah went to the prom at the school where she participates in sports with a friend from Tennessee. It was as calm and controlled of a dance that we've seen. (Yes, there were a few immodest dresses and such, but it was more gentle than walking through a typical mall.) I am so thankful that she welcomed my presence and and that her date was such a gentleman.

Sarah and her date, in the center of the picture, danced every danced and had a great time.

I know these occasions are fraught with danger. I've been reading the anti-courtship blogs lately and have known that there are a lot of dangers there too. So as we talk about dating, courtship and everything in between, we have to depend on God to help us through. Every child is different, every situation is different. We can't make too many hard and fast rules that will deal with everyone equally on this issue.

We must follow Christ's example and pray! Raising daughters in our society can be frightening. But when they love Christ and want to serve their Savior, we can rest in that. I'm not saying that just because they are Christians they can be turned over to every vice of the world, but that they can be trusted. We need to stay close to them as we let them walk in their own faith. As parents, we need to be asking probing questions of our children, and helping them walk when they need it. Sure, they don't always know when they need it and it may not be popular to step in, but it is our responsibility.

Eating at a Japanese restaurant was fun.

Young men and women need to be in many different situations where they can get to know each other. Dances reveal a lot about character and I learned some things I didn't know. Church and fellowship with the Body of Christ is a vital place to get to know members of the other sex. Service projects are great too. It bothers me to see kids' dates always consist of entertaining themselves. Serving others is a great way to see a person's work ethic. Most of all, I think the best place to get to know other kids is in the home. They need to be in our homes as often as possible for meals, serving the family, Bible times, and just hanging out. It's the place to learn how family life works and how each one responds to it.

Dressing up is what girls love to do!

Now that I have one daughter married, I am still not an expert in courtship, nor ever will be. I just have our story of how she got married. I have five other daughters whose courtships and marriages will look completely different. And I realize now more than ever my need for Help from our Sovereign God.

And Sarah is so content to be with her family and enjoy her sweet friends until God provides the man of her dreams.

It's a Girl!

Decorating for the gender reveal party, I was overwhelmed with joy and ending up teary eyed all day. It was a sweet time for me to pull out some of Rachel's baby things and remember as best as I could remember how amazing life was when she was born. (I really wished I had thought ahead enough to have some of Adrian's baby things for them too.) Having a grandchild coming to our home is different than our own baby. As I have heard, it's all the joy without all the responsibilities, and the baby hasn't even been born yet.

Since children are a heritage from the Lord, I thought it would be fun to use our old things to decorate with. The baby doll is Rachel's first baby, the Tonka trucks and puppy squeeze toy is Ray's and the blanket was mine.

The wreath had a newborn picture of Rachel and of Adrian with ribbons for everyone to cut to tie on and make their guess - boy or girl. The Raggedy Ann and Andy was mine and more trucks of Ray's.

We hung up a few of Ray's and Rachel's baby clothes. I also put Abigail's baby sweater on the line because I love it so.

The Rink family Skyped in to get the big announcement at the same time.

Here are the teams wearing their ribbons. As cute as the boy team guessers are - no cigar!

They had this sweet dress wrapped in layers of pink and blue tissue paper to reveal the gender.

Singleness

I am the first to admit that I may have encouraged behavior in my own children that hints, even screams, marriage is the ultimate goal in life.  Yes, I do discuss that they should seek after God with their whole heart and it's better to serve Him than anything, but sometimes my attitude tells them differently.  I'm sure I've thrown out 1 Corinthians 7:40 to them, but I haven't been faithful to teach it.  I have encouraged dreams of the knight in shining armor and a perfect wedding.  My girls have even asked, "What if God calls me to singleness?" -like it's a disease. The church in general hasn't done much better, contributing to the false idea that it is better to be married and that singleness must be "fixed".

1 Corinthians 7:40 Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.

Rereading that verse should cause us to pause and wonder. Paul said that the single woman would be happier if she remained single. Some versions render that word - better, better to be single!

On speaking of her granddaughters, Barbara Hughes writes "... Life is not about getting God to give them what they want; life is about discovering where they fit into God's plan, whether single or married."  The Disciplines of a Godly Woman, page 134

Psalm 119:20 My soul is consumed with longings for your rules at all times.

This verse keeps coming to mind in relationship to singleness. So as I pray for my girls' future husbands, now I am also praying that they would be consumed with longings for God and his word.

Waiting on Hannah

Hannah worked at Camp Westminster again this year. That means she was away from home all Summer except on a few Saturday nights and Sunday mornings when she came home to wash clothes, cool down and sleep in a real bed. I am always amazed at her desire to serve and help children. And children love her. All Summer she has been with children taking care of every need they could possibly have, and I mean every need. In the past years there have been weeks of campers come in that had serious needs and issues that burdened her heart, and she has seen many children come to faith in Christ. This year, her weeks seemed different. She felt like she wasn't making a difference in any one's life, like she wasn't earning her pay. Most of the campers that came through were from okay homes and had some sort of knowledge about Scripture.

All of that changed on her last week of the Summer. She had a very young cabin, ages five to eight, from out of state with girls that had many needs. It was a week that challenged things she had thought about children for years.  I am so thankful that God has given Hannah a heart to help children that have been in hard situations. I know He is faithful to help her as she helps others.

And now she is home! Because Hannah got home really late, after Lydia went to sleep, Lydia was waiting on her to wake up. 

I think she had to wait for quite a while.

She decorated a doughnut for her. Then "became" a little old lady.

Waiting.......Again

I've been here before. It isn't a place I chose to be this time, actually I tried not to be here, but in God's providence- He has chosen for me to be here. I have five amazing, wonderful, beautiful, terrific daughters. I've had too many miscarriages, I didn't think I should ever be pregnant again, but here I am - pregnant and waiting. Pregnant - feeling all the usual symptoms, only magnified in my forty-three year old body; waiting - to see if my body will be able to carry this precious little life.

The moment I knew I was pregnant this time I became scared, I know my history of miscarriages in the past ten years. I know those odds of advanced maternal age. So after a few days of crying and worry, Ray had to remind me of what we've told many people before. What we know about God is true and we have to live that ourselves. God is sovereign over these things, He gives and He takes away. As I sat in the doctor's office and he reassured me that all we can do is wait and see what God will allow, I was reminded again that only God knows. I am thankful for a Christian doctor who recognizes that even though we use the best medicine possible, only God can truly sustain life. I have a few "issues" for which I am taking a handful of vitamins and hormones, but in the end I know I must wait on God.

When the nurse asked me which number of pregnancy this was, even I had to be surprised - eleven - really? Possibly? So, for my own benefit, I often recount the pregnancies and think of what could have been.

• 1st - lost very early, if that is actually what happened. The doctor thinks so, but has no way to prove it.



• 2nd - Rachel - amazing, confident, strong faith, sees a need and gets it done



• 3rd - Hannah - my little rainbow, full of life and adventure, sees the world through her own song



• 4th - Sarah - my sunshine, strong, peacemaker, listener, quietly works her way through



• 5th - Mary - the sweetest little "pie", giver, creative, detail story teller, so very thoughtful
  


• 6th - lost at eight weeks



• 7th - Lydia - oh my Lydia - passionate, hilarious, you know what she's thinking! and oh so loving



• 8th - lost very early on, not ever fully confirmed, but the doctor is sure that's what happened



• 9th - lost at eight weeks
  


• 10th - lost at twelve weeks, tons of tests to find out "what happened" (and that this was a boy), only to find out we aren't really sure. Lots of medical terms that say, it could have been this or it could have been that, but mostly, another reminder that God is control of life and death.
  

I often think of the lost babies and my heart is grieved for women who haven't or can't have any children. It isn't uncommon for me to tear up at the sound of an infant crying, even if I don't know or see the baby. But looking at my "list", I am so very blessed. I haven't ever held some of my babies, but the ones I have held are far more precious than I could have ever imagined. God has blessed me with children beyond measure and for that I am thankful.

Now as I walk though this time of waiting with my ever faithful and kind husband beside me I know I will get through to the other side. During these times I am so very thankful for my husband who walks and waits with me, he grieves with me and holds me when I can't hold myself. And he does this because he loves God and trusts Him too.

At nine weeks along, I have heard the heart beat and seen tiny feet kicking on the ultra sound. I am wondering who this little life will be like. Will he chase balls through the house or will she sit quietly under the trees in daydreams? Where will I put a crib? Can I start dreaming of baby names and colors for a nursery? So many questions flood my mind, but I am resolved to wait - wait for God's leading in my life and the life of the little one I carry so close to my heart.

Prayers

After reviewing my post on waiting, I feel like I am stuck in a rerun... a really bad one. We found out yesterday that the baby I am carrying has no heartbeat. I will have yet another D&C on Monday and continue to greive the loss of another of God's tiniest treasures. Please pray for our family at this sad time as we know that God is in control of all things.

Waiting

For the past two weeks it seems as though all I've done is wait. At first I was waiting to go to the doctor for my first sonogram, which is usually very exciting. After a concerning appointment we began waiting on blood tests, doctor's calls, more sonograms and blood tests and then the dreaded confirmation that I have miscarried. We know the risks of trying to have more children at my "advanced maternal age" but we also know that God is sovereign over all things. Also, God's timing is not our own. Though we thought this is the perfect time for us to have another baby God says to wait. So now that I am home and recovering from having a DNC, I am waiting again. This time I am waiting on my body to recover and my sweet family to let me get back to my normal work. Yes, God is still good and we are so thankful that He is in control of all things, including the loss of some of life's tiniest treasures.