Waiting.......Again

I've been here before. It isn't a place I chose to be this time, actually I tried not to be here, but in God's providence- He has chosen for me to be here. I have five amazing, wonderful, beautiful, terrific daughters. I've had too many miscarriages, I didn't think I should ever be pregnant again, but here I am - pregnant and waiting. Pregnant - feeling all the usual symptoms, only magnified in my forty-three year old body; waiting - to see if my body will be able to carry this precious little life.

The moment I knew I was pregnant this time I became scared, I know my history of miscarriages in the past ten years. I know those odds of advanced maternal age. So after a few days of crying and worry, Ray had to remind me of what we've told many people before. What we know about God is true and we have to live that ourselves. God is sovereign over these things, He gives and He takes away. As I sat in the doctor's office and he reassured me that all we can do is wait and see what God will allow, I was reminded again that only God knows. I am thankful for a Christian doctor who recognizes that even though we use the best medicine possible, only God can truly sustain life. I have a few "issues" for which I am taking a handful of vitamins and hormones, but in the end I know I must wait on God.

When the nurse asked me which number of pregnancy this was, even I had to be surprised - eleven - really? Possibly? So, for my own benefit, I often recount the pregnancies and think of what could have been.

• 1st - lost very early, if that is actually what happened. The doctor thinks so, but has no way to prove it.



• 2nd - Rachel - amazing, confident, strong faith, sees a need and gets it done



• 3rd - Hannah - my little rainbow, full of life and adventure, sees the world through her own song



• 4th - Sarah - my sunshine, strong, peacemaker, listener, quietly works her way through



• 5th - Mary - the sweetest little "pie", giver, creative, detail story teller, so very thoughtful
  


• 6th - lost at eight weeks



• 7th - Lydia - oh my Lydia - passionate, hilarious, you know what she's thinking! and oh so loving



• 8th - lost very early on, not ever fully confirmed, but the doctor is sure that's what happened



• 9th - lost at eight weeks
  


• 10th - lost at twelve weeks, tons of tests to find out "what happened" (and that this was a boy), only to find out we aren't really sure. Lots of medical terms that say, it could have been this or it could have been that, but mostly, another reminder that God is control of life and death.
  

I often think of the lost babies and my heart is grieved for women who haven't or can't have any children. It isn't uncommon for me to tear up at the sound of an infant crying, even if I don't know or see the baby. But looking at my "list", I am so very blessed. I haven't ever held some of my babies, but the ones I have held are far more precious than I could have ever imagined. God has blessed me with children beyond measure and for that I am thankful.

Now as I walk though this time of waiting with my ever faithful and kind husband beside me I know I will get through to the other side. During these times I am so very thankful for my husband who walks and waits with me, he grieves with me and holds me when I can't hold myself. And he does this because he loves God and trusts Him too.

At nine weeks along, I have heard the heart beat and seen tiny feet kicking on the ultra sound. I am wondering who this little life will be like. Will he chase balls through the house or will she sit quietly under the trees in daydreams? Where will I put a crib? Can I start dreaming of baby names and colors for a nursery? So many questions flood my mind, but I am resolved to wait - wait for God's leading in my life and the life of the little one I carry so close to my heart.