More Waiting

Our family is no stranger to grief, especially the grief of miscarriage. But walking through this valley with my own daughter is heart wrenching. It's usually easy for me to hide from grief by holding a baby, cooking, cleaning, or basically just avoiding it. There are many needs in our busy household that could easily demand my attention. In the moment of tragedy, the busyness comes to a screeching halt. Plans change, schedules rearrange and we grieve.

No matter how hard I want to hide from the pain, the "crushing hand of God" is ever present. The pain of loss feels like my heart is physically coming out of my chest. The knowledge that the God who created the Heavens and the earth is the one who holds this precious life is the only comfort. He has held many of our babies and he holds us. There are moments when I wish I could physically feel that hold, but I always know He is the Very Present God.

I know that I cannot bring this baby back, nor would I want to since he has seen the face of God.  I rest in the fact that we will see this baby and others that have gone before. (2 Samuel 12:23)

These pictures were taken for Rachel and Adrian's pregnancy announcements. Now they are reminders of a new life that we have to wait to see.

A Letter to My Daughters on Getting Along

Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity! Psalm 133:1

Are my daughters fighting? Having trouble getting along? At odds over anything at all? No, but they have in the past and probably will be again. I wanted to take this moment to make sure they know how I feel about their relationships with one another.

The verse above was one of the first verses that I taught Rachel when she was a little girl. I wanted to be very purposeful in making sure my girls didn't fight, argue, bicker or, in general, be just plain mean to each other. They had to learn from the beginning that even though they weren't always happy with each other, they still had to love each other. They haven't always been perfect angels to each other and I don't expect them to be, but I do expect them to apply Scripture to their relationships with one another and others. But this letter is specific to them about their bonds with each other.

What does it look like for brothers, in this case, sisters to dwell together in unity?

• At three, it means giving your sister the bigger half of the cookie.
• At five, it means letting your sister have the prettiest hair bow.
• At seven, it means reading each word carefully so that your sister can pretend she can read too.
• At thirteen, it means doing your sister's part of the chores, again, when she has too much going on.
• At fifteen, it means teaching your sister how to curl her hair.
• At eighteen, it means teaching your sister to shave because your mom is too busy at the moment.
• It means laughing your head off at the dumbest inside jokes that no one else will ever possibly understand.  (By the way, who is Fred?)
• It means loving your sister's choice of a husband, even when you don't like him (at first).
• As an adult, it means weeping with your sister as she suffers her biggest losses - whether it's a job, a boyfriend, a house, a baby, a husband.....
• It means rejoicing with your sister at her greatest joys, even when you don't want to.
• It means praying for her often, encouraging and admonishing her in a way that you would want.

When you are all grown up, I won't always be around. I can't even be a part of every thing now. You must apply what you know about Scripture to your relationships. You all will face challenges so much greater than you can think of now. In the adult world, problems like not getting to start in a basketball game seem minute. Your biggest heartache will not be having to go to church with less than perfect hair. There will be really hard things that you will face. As you follow Christ and love your own individual families, remember, how good and pleasant it is for sisters to dwell together in unity.

It means NOT laughing when your sister falls off of the top of the pyramid :)

A Mother's Love

We've all known the fierce love of a mother when her child has been wronged. It is often likened to that of a "Mama Bear." I've experienced it many times in the past twenty-two years. Whether my child is in the right or not, there is a fierce desire to protect and defend.

This week I have felt another type of great love - a grateful love. If I had to go over again the past eight years to get to this point, I would would do it a million times over. Enduring being pregnant over and over again would be worth it to know this great treasure I have now. I am most grateful to God for for allowing this amazing gift to come to our home. Every time I stop to think of what happened for our family on Monday, I have to fight tears.

Just one of many moments of thanking God with our tears! We have not prayed for anything more in our marriage than for the birth of this baby.

Every birth has its momentous experiences and this one was no exception. I am so glad the older girls and my mom got to be in the room with Ray and me when our sweet baby was born. The cameras were flashing and the tears were flowing freely. Mary and Lydia came into the room very quickly after to see their new baby.

Waiting.......Again

I've been here before. It isn't a place I chose to be this time, actually I tried not to be here, but in God's providence- He has chosen for me to be here. I have five amazing, wonderful, beautiful, terrific daughters. I've had too many miscarriages, I didn't think I should ever be pregnant again, but here I am - pregnant and waiting. Pregnant - feeling all the usual symptoms, only magnified in my forty-three year old body; waiting - to see if my body will be able to carry this precious little life.

The moment I knew I was pregnant this time I became scared, I know my history of miscarriages in the past ten years. I know those odds of advanced maternal age. So after a few days of crying and worry, Ray had to remind me of what we've told many people before. What we know about God is true and we have to live that ourselves. God is sovereign over these things, He gives and He takes away. As I sat in the doctor's office and he reassured me that all we can do is wait and see what God will allow, I was reminded again that only God knows. I am thankful for a Christian doctor who recognizes that even though we use the best medicine possible, only God can truly sustain life. I have a few "issues" for which I am taking a handful of vitamins and hormones, but in the end I know I must wait on God.

When the nurse asked me which number of pregnancy this was, even I had to be surprised - eleven - really? Possibly? So, for my own benefit, I often recount the pregnancies and think of what could have been.

• 1st - lost very early, if that is actually what happened. The doctor thinks so, but has no way to prove it.



• 2nd - Rachel - amazing, confident, strong faith, sees a need and gets it done



• 3rd - Hannah - my little rainbow, full of life and adventure, sees the world through her own song



• 4th - Sarah - my sunshine, strong, peacemaker, listener, quietly works her way through



• 5th - Mary - the sweetest little "pie", giver, creative, detail story teller, so very thoughtful
  


• 6th - lost at eight weeks



• 7th - Lydia - oh my Lydia - passionate, hilarious, you know what she's thinking! and oh so loving



• 8th - lost very early on, not ever fully confirmed, but the doctor is sure that's what happened



• 9th - lost at eight weeks
  


• 10th - lost at twelve weeks, tons of tests to find out "what happened" (and that this was a boy), only to find out we aren't really sure. Lots of medical terms that say, it could have been this or it could have been that, but mostly, another reminder that God is control of life and death.
  

I often think of the lost babies and my heart is grieved for women who haven't or can't have any children. It isn't uncommon for me to tear up at the sound of an infant crying, even if I don't know or see the baby. But looking at my "list", I am so very blessed. I haven't ever held some of my babies, but the ones I have held are far more precious than I could have ever imagined. God has blessed me with children beyond measure and for that I am thankful.

Now as I walk though this time of waiting with my ever faithful and kind husband beside me I know I will get through to the other side. During these times I am so very thankful for my husband who walks and waits with me, he grieves with me and holds me when I can't hold myself. And he does this because he loves God and trusts Him too.

At nine weeks along, I have heard the heart beat and seen tiny feet kicking on the ultra sound. I am wondering who this little life will be like. Will he chase balls through the house or will she sit quietly under the trees in daydreams? Where will I put a crib? Can I start dreaming of baby names and colors for a nursery? So many questions flood my mind, but I am resolved to wait - wait for God's leading in my life and the life of the little one I carry so close to my heart.

Eliza Ray Bennett

This story starts years ago, with Christy (Ray's sister) and her husband, Corey... with the miscarriage of what would have been their first child... with that kind of loss the feelings of what-could-have-been haunt a mother for the rest of her life. Fast forward to last fall.... Christy is finally pregnant again with all of the beautiful signs of pregnancy. Then at 20 weeks, the doctors tell her there is no way that the baby can live and recommend she end the pregnancy. After lots of questions, research and soul searching, Christy and Corey decide to carry the baby as long as her body could.

What unfolds after that is a weekend I'll never forget. Christy is in labor at thirty one weeks and the whole family is rushing to the hospital. When we arrived we weren't able to see Christy because she had already started pushing. In a short time Corey came out and told us the baby had been born and had been taken to the nursery. We peeked through a crack in the nursery window and watched as the doctors and nurses worked diligently on this tiny little thing.

Eliza Ray Bennett entered this world in the dark of a cold wintry night in hospital with all sounds in a hush, as if the building itself knew her struggles to breathe on her own. She weighed 3 pounds 4 ozs and was shaped as perfectly as any baby could be. Watching her precious mommy and daddy hold her while she took her last breath, two hours after her birth, was one of the hardest things I have ever seen. I watched in amazement as grandparents, aunts and uncle held her and loved her.

After touching Eliza's fragile hair, I ended up spending the rest of the night over a trash can in the waiting room. My body has a weird way with grief... bleh. The next morning, while Christy was getting ready to leave the hospital, one of the sisters helped me hold Eliza. While I held her, the thoughts of what-could-have-been flooded my own heart. Knowing that while I held her tiny shell, her precious soul was already in heaven with those of mine I've lost but never held.

The funeral service was as hard as any I've ever attended. (And I'm a pastor's wife, I've attended a lot of funerals.) The girls did the music and even though there wasn't a sound system, I thought that they had never sung more beautifully. They chose hymns that were God honoring and that have ministered to our family in the past. Rachel, Hannah, and Sarah sang The Arms That Hold the Universe to the family then played the song I Will Carry You by Selah who have experienced these same deep pains. Ray had trouble keeping his composure while he preached, but honored God with kind words of hope to those who know Christ - we will see her face again. Jesus truly loves the little children of the world.

The grief that follows Christy and Corey now is something that can never be taken away, only comforted by a Holy and Righteous God. He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. Isaiah 53:3

I Thessalonians 5:18

"Give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
I'm getting close to my due date and have really had a hard time this week. I know it is God's will that I miscarried but I am still a little too weepy. My dear friend Lisa asked me what specific things I was doing to get through these days of sadness. I just shrugged it off and said that I would be keeping myself extra busy. (That's how I handle most everything.) After church she pulled me aside and reminded me that extra time in Scripture has really helped her in days of sorrow. I thanked her and thought, "Maybe I should do more Bible reading tomorrow." This morning I Thessalonians 5:18 was the last section I read in my daily Bible reading. God is so good to bring us to where He knows we need to be. His word is true to give us comfort and lead us to where He would have us to be. I don't know His will in my miscarriages, but I know He is faithful and true to lead us. Thank you Lisa for your ever so gentle admonition to seek the God of all Comfort.

Finalization

About ten days ago, Aunt Thelma fell and hit her head with such a force that caused a blood clot to form on her brain. Because it was so severe, there was no hope for her to live through the damage. As we sat by her bedside for the following six days, so many thoughts went through my mind. Aunt Thelma couldn't know how close she was to dying because she never regained conscientiousness. But she was prepared. Years ago, she told Ray of how she talked to Jesus and waited for Him to take her to heaven. It was a sweet time for me to know that she was slipping closer and closer to heaven and would be at peace with her Savior. Her body would work with no pain and her mind would be perfectly clear. The girls got to visit and sing her favorite hymns one last time while she was in the hospital. I have a lot of respect for Ray's mother and father who cared for her so diligently and were with her until her dying breath. As our family went through this process I hope we were all sobered to think of our last moments on this earth and know that we will be prepared to meet Jesus when we die.
The funeral was a finalization of sorts for me. The process of grief over losing the baby and the feelings of guilt for not being able to take care of Aunt Thelma after the miscarriage were very strong. Our home has returned to its usual chaos. It is a blessing to be back to our "routine" of homeschooling, church, and ministry responsibilities. I know God had a purpose for the times that Aunt Thelma was with us and for the loss of this baby. He is faithful and whatever He does is good. Though these were deep valleys for me to cross, I will look at this past year a spiritual mountaintop experience.

As we go through the heartwrenching sorrow of losing another baby, Ray brought me these words from a book he has been reading.
Suffering brings us pain, tears, and heartache. He gave us tear ducts for a reason. It's not wrong to grieve, or sinful to be sad. He has never commanded us to be unemotional, unfeeling robots. Yet, through our tears, we can still raise our eyes to the Almighty. We can still keep a godly perspective through any trial. Don't think God is oblivious to our tears and our sufferings. As Charles Spugeon once wrote, "When a tear is wept by you, think not your Father does not behold, for, 'Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him.' Your sigh is able to move the heart of Jehovah, your whisper can incline His ear to you, your prayer can stay His hands, your faith can move His arm. Oh! think not that God sits on high in an eternal slumber, taking no account of you." Where is God in All of This? by Deborah Howard

Prayers

After reviewing my post on waiting, I feel like I am stuck in a rerun... a really bad one. We found out yesterday that the baby I am carrying has no heartbeat. I will have yet another D&C on Monday and continue to greive the loss of another of God's tiniest treasures. Please pray for our family at this sad time as we know that God is in control of all things.

Waiting

For the past two weeks it seems as though all I've done is wait. At first I was waiting to go to the doctor for my first sonogram, which is usually very exciting. After a concerning appointment we began waiting on blood tests, doctor's calls, more sonograms and blood tests and then the dreaded confirmation that I have miscarried. We know the risks of trying to have more children at my "advanced maternal age" but we also know that God is sovereign over all things. Also, God's timing is not our own. Though we thought this is the perfect time for us to have another baby God says to wait. So now that I am home and recovering from having a DNC, I am waiting again. This time I am waiting on my body to recover and my sweet family to let me get back to my normal work. Yes, God is still good and we are so thankful that He is in control of all things, including the loss of some of life's tiniest treasures.