The Question Was...

How do you get your children to come to tell you things that they had done that they know they shouldn't have done?

For example - We knew our mom wouldn't have wanted us to skateboard at this particular place without a helmet. She had never actually said, "You must wear a helmet when you skateboard there." But we knew it was something she would have wanted us to do. We just didn't tell her so that she wouldn't actually say what she wanted us to do. We weren't actually disobeying, but it was something she would have wanted to know.

My first reaction was to deal with the deception. If a child knows there is information that a parent wants to know, it seems like deception, which is lying, which is a sin. I'm not thinking of juicy gossip about another person, just information, that as a parent, you should know about your child.

For another example - My daughter's friend did something that as a family we have forbid as long as our children are under our authority. It wasn't necessarily a sin, but my daughter knew that I would want to know about. (In my opinion, the way this activity was carried out probably was a sin, but that's not the point.) The point was that my daughter didn't tell me quickly. She was waiting until an opportune time. I felt like she deceived me by not telling me right away. It worked out in the end and we had a good discussion on deception.

Back to the real question though. How do you get your children to tell you things that you as a parent need/want to know?

I think it comes back to scripture -

Colossians 3:21   Fathers do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged. 

Parents who exasperate their children, provoke them to anger, cause them to be discouraged...may loose touch with them. What child wants to come in and confess a blunder to a mom who is going to fall apart? Why would anyone want to talk to their dad about an issue if he is going to blow up?

What is your response to a two year old who breaks a dish? Is it a huge sigh, crying and moaning about their childishness, stomping the foot, yelling, silent treatment, hitting uncontrollably, slamming things? That is probably how you will respond when they skateboard without a helmet, break the neighbor's window or get a speeding ticket...or worse.

We have to have enough self control to prevent the knee jerk reactions when our children make a mistake, mess up or flat out... sin. There must be consequences to sin, of course, but children learn how you will respond.  I think that if they know you are willing to listen and respond to them lovingly, they will come to you more often than not. Reasonable thinking children and young adults will come and confess and take their punishment if it's dealt with love and justice.

I am a great big sinner that fails often. This very week, a few days after pointing out someone else's sin, I committed the same sin! My children need to see my repentance and turning away from that sin. We had a discussion about that, but I think I need to repent to them properly. They will not come to me with problems or issues unless they see kindness and humility.