In Between Age Kids Part Three

I'm not ready to end of the conversation of raising children at the ages of about seven to twelve.

We have to know that there is hope to raise our children to do what's required of them. Scripture makes some pretty bold claims about raising children that we can lean on. The Word of God is Sufficient to bear the weight of our questions.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

This isn't an absolute promise without conditions, but it is very encouraging. I cannot say that because a child rebelled means that the parents didn't raise him "in the way that he should go." I refer to this verse to be an encouragement to actually - train your children.

I am in this parenting job for the long haul. Obviously, Abigail is still only two. It's important that I think clearly about how to raise the children. 

Ray and I don't spend much time talking about our philosophy of parenting these days. In the early years, I'm afraid a lot of our child training was done "by the seat of our pants." But I think we have come to agreement on some of these things that have helped us.

 - Pray for them. God is the only One who can rescue your children from their own sin. Pray for their salvation, their character, their behavior and their protection.

 - Both parents need to agree on the big stuff. How damaging would it be for the mom to undermine the dad's decision to sneak their daughter out to a dance that he didn't approve of?  You know what the big stuff is. Don't let it slide.

If God gave you a godly husband, side with him - every time, in front of your children. Talk later if you need to disagree. Children are smart and learn quickly to play you against one another for their own benefit.

Lydia at 11 with a great heart for God.

On the little stuff? Well, how's this for parents being of one mind? Abigail knows that I don't like for her to eat sweets, but Ray hides lollipops around the house for her to find. Every time she finds one, she runs to me grinning and saying, look what Daddy left for me. I have to smile and let her have her fun with her Daddy.

 - Teach them what they need to know. I can't say this enough, don't assume children know what you expect. You don't have to be the drill sergeant parent that micro-manages every move, especially at the middle age years. But clear instrusctions are important.

 - Let them learn things on their own. This doesn't contradict the last statement, but builds on it. Children need to think through things and figure out how to take care of themselves. Sometimes they just need to spend every last dollar they have to realize that they really didn't need to buy that battery operated hand held gadget that sits in the floor of their closet.

 - Be willing to follow through. And this is where things get hard! We can give the instructions, but if we aren't willing to make sure it is done correctly, then we would do just as well to not have bothered. Walk the child through the task, several times if it's needed. Then lay out the expectations. If it isn't done according to your specifications, then it's disobedience that requires consequences.

Consequences for disobedience fall in categories. Is the child in need of extra grace today? Did she have something happen that is impairing her thinking? Have I given too many responsibilities? A child who constantly "forgets" to do something may actually have some of those things going on.

We also have to ask ourselves some hard questions and be honest about sin issues that may have developed.  There could be issues like lack of care for the family, laziness, manipulation, or sheer defiance. Scripture is order at this point! Give them the Word - Colossians 3:20, Ephesians 6:1, Deuteronomy 12:28, Ezekiel 20:21.

Practically speaking again, when I have seen a pattern of "forgetting," I try to focus on that child. She would be my "partner" wherever I go, walking with me through everything on a given day. Now this is harder if you aren't actually with your child a lot, but your presence in a child's life shows him that you aren't giving him something that he can't do. Walking with my girls through hard stuff helps them see things like:

• it isn't as hard as they may have thought.
• I'm willing to get my hands dirty.
• I haven't asked them to do anything that I'm not willing to do.
• doing some jobs might even turn out to be fun. 
• how silly it is for me to walk with her to her closet to put away those shoes.
• if a job doesn't get done, the whole family has to deal with it.

And by spending that time with my child, I can see what's really going on. Often it has been that they just don't see the point. It is hard for girls to see the point of washing dishes three times a day. Or, why make the bed if we are just going to unmake it again tonight? When these intelligent thinking children see "the point" they are usually motivated to move forward with the request. 

And if your children have any compassion and see that you are the one who trips and falls over their shoes, they are more likely to put them away the first time.