Most of my days as a parent seem to be a choice between one of the children. Two, three, four.. (all?) may need me at the same time. One daughter will want me to do something at the same time as another. How do I choose? What do I do? These are the times I feel most guilty. Guilty for choosing one's needs over the other's. Guilty that I can't physically meet all the needs at once or even in the amount of time that I think she needs me.
There have been times that I have thought that if all of my children were closer to the same age, it would be easier to meet their needs. Everyone needs naps in the afternoon, everyone drinks from sippy cups, everyone plays outside together. Everyone has the same bedtime...early! I'm sure those days are exhausting too, but I haven't experienced them. Isn't it easy to think that something looks easier when we aren't actually experiencing it ourselves?
But my experience has been that having children twenty-two years apart is hard too. It means that dating and diapers are part of the same moments. Driving cars and strollers are happening together, teething and braces, onesies and formal dresses, baby booties and high heels, board books and novels in the library bag, preschool and college, first haircuts and fancy up-dos... My youngest daughter and my grand daughter can ride in the same car seat!
And bedtimes? They start at 8:30 and go until 10:30 for the school aged and younger during the school year. But those older girls... Well, let's just say I can't stay awake that long.
Please make sure you know that I am not complaining, at all, not a bit, well, maybe a tiny bit, but not really. Well, okay a little. But I don't want to.
Sometimes I will let physical exhaustion mixed with the mental exhaustion cause me to sin. Feelings of guilt and self pity would be easy to give in to. It is hard to be alert all the time and I want to do what I want to do for me? Hear that? I, I, I, me, me, me...
I appreciated this article on the guilty feelings of mothers. It's directed to mothers of very small children, but it certainly resonated with me.
I have to ask myself if I am feeling guilty because of my own sin. Do I want to do that which is most fun for me or helpful to the child that needs me or the family as a whole?
(That opens a whole can of worms doesn't it? If it's best for the one child or the children as a group. I'll save that conversation.)
Am I tired and just want to go to sleep or am I being lazy? Is it my pride that insists on certain behavior and not others?
There are days when I have to say to any one of the girls, "I can't talk about that right now, I will do that later, you need to ask me again." Just this week I have said, "No," more times than I want to admit. I have fought the temptation to run away from home. Then one night, Ray actually helped me run away for a few hours.
The girls are growing tremendously in this area with me. The one night that all I wanted to do was run away this week, one of them had a crisis. I couldn't do anything about it but she needed someone to talk to. She didn't say anything to me until a full day later because she knew my plate was over flowing. She said that she knew that I didn't need anything else at the moment to have to deal with.
Another of the girls asked if she could get a certain app on her kindle for herself. When I started questioning, she patiently explained the whole thing to me like I had never heard about it. One of her sisters came in and said, "Mama, you have already approved for her to have this account (she just wanted the app for the account). She explained it all then." I apologized and she said, "That's okay, I know you have a lot to do."
There will be many more days when I don't hear what they say, approve of something that I shouldn't have, not approve something that I should, go to bed without listening, not speak to them as kindly as I should, forget something important, even tell them to stop talking and dancing for a while. I hope they know that I am trying. We are all learning to be patient, wait, deal with disappointments, rejoice for others when we don't feel like it, and many other things.
As I pray for my daughters as a whole, I hope that they understand that I want to do what's right to raise them in the way they should go. I want to meet every need, but I have to remember that I can't and I shouldn't. They have to learn to rely on Christ and His work through them. While I pray every day for their souls, I am also praying that they will forgive my mistakes and understand that I truly want to see Christ in them. And I really do not have a favorite child!
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